Palms, touch, and heat.
Any reminder that we're alive and able to grasp the physical affection.
Affection that flows from inside and spread through the
fingertips. It doesn’t necessarily between a male and female. It can be between
family members, friends, even strangers that you meet in bus stop.
How such a small gesture can jolt a new energy and pump your
blood and feel alive.
I didn’t realize how cold my hand until a friend of mine
sent warm heated touch through her palms when we bid goodbyes. It didn’t make
sense at that time because the weather was chill and the car we both in were
even colder. We bid goodbyes and promises to see each other again soon, we
exchanged handshake and hugs. It didn’t make sense her palm was warm when mine
was almost the same temperature as weather.
This small gesture and simple difference occupy my head even
months after the incident.
Is it her personality, I thought.
Is it because she’s accustomed to AC room and that’s why her
temperature adjust already, I argued.
Is it the optimist side of her that makes her stay warm in
even cold weather, I whispered.
Too many things in my mind just from that small gesture.
It might be myself who is not accustomed to cold weather.
It might be me who has poor blood circulation.
It might be that..
On top of that, I am glad that we exchanged handshake and
remind myself that life is full of unexpected things. I need to expand the
horizon and count every moment as a blessing.
The last 5 years I spent with existential crisis and
desperate need in happiness. In the end of 2017, someone I self-identify to
(because we share so much similarity in fears, bitterness, and also hope
towards the world) took departure because he couldn’t see any light in his life
anymore. He is shut down by his own depression and I can’t do anything about
it. I never say it out loud but every achievement he made, I use it as a
compass of what I wish to do in the future. I don’t know why I need to explain but honestly, instead of blinded by his
air of celebrity and physical attractiveness, his weakness and
fears attracted me more. It’s like finally
I have someone who shared the same concerns as me. When he departed,
there’s a deafened pang that followed me everywhere I went to. First loss always hit like a thousand thunders.
And now for 2018, I opt for more exhilarating moments rather
than seeking for happiness that has a very board and vast definition of it.
From the small bottled of exhilarating moments that I can complete the puzzle
of happiness.
As I lay on the ground (figuratively, of course, but I do love lie on the ground), I learn to do anything to lift
myself up. Fill the hole of doubt and scratched papers of depressed thought
with the light and gratitude. Although it is hard for me to think like this but
I’d like to think that I’m thankful to grow in this family and surrounded by
the friends whom never hesitate to extend their hands to help/give me shelter. There
must be a place in the world where people who have delicate hearts and able to
live beautifully. I will definitely find it. For him, myself, and all of misfits in the world.
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